Hi everyone, I read all your discussions but am quiet. The moderator once mentioned you all have different journeys and experiences and this thought comforts me, knowing you are so close to me if I need anything. I am one year after treatment. I was diagnosed with MOC. I have my follow up on Jan.7. Scared. My body is so not the same, my belly is rounder, put on weight and I feel deep scar discomfort and chronic back pain. But I have no idea if this is a side effect of chemo. I have tried massages, walking, physical therapy, but back pain comes back. I'm often taking Tylenol. I feel ugly.

I returned to work four months after chemo and nobody even winked an eye. Deep inside I wanted to shout out.. I'm back and alive. I guess it saddens me that life goes on and non cancer experienced people just have no idea how hard this is. I'm on the last leg of a cruise holiday we planned for one year post chemo, and I watch younger folks and their carefree ways and I can't think of how many of them will one day be sick perhaps, I look at the older folks and I can't stop thinking how sad aging is…my mind always goes to the dark side. It's so hard to savour and cherish every cancer free day. What's wrong with me?

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Happy New Year MitchOT

I absolutely understand your feelings - it is something I am beginning to understand with ovarian cancer . . . we are forever changed.   People think we have finished treatment and we should just move on.   Not happening!   Because of its recurrence we worry worry worry and we have to live while worrying.   How can we do that?   I felt that chemo was actually easier - something to expect, you understood, you were cared for and monitored.   Now we are in an abyss - not knowing what feels normal, what is cancer, what is aging, what is just life . . . 

I too take tylenol because I ache so much.   Is that chemo side effect?   Is it aging?   Is it winter?   While I get frustrated with all of the feelings, I am also grateful that I am able to take a walk, see grandchildren, and eat a nice meal.  So many of us teal sisters do not get this opportunity.   

I also worry about my daughters, and grand daughters, and any other women who is going to get diagnosed with this horrible cancer.   I warn everyone, any symptom advocate advocate and advocate again for yourself because no one will do it for you.   

It is a shock when you get diagnosed, or return to work and no one can see the fear and then the celebration that you are living with.   These kinds of forums do help because we are all in various stages of this journey.   

Some of your thoughts of younger people enjoying life is also about aging and that is a whole separate journey about dealing with the idea that we are no longer young.  I try to look at wonderful older people and take joy from them and aspire to be different when I see miserable old people. 

If your care team can provide for you, you might think of trying to get a therapist.    I found PMH in Toronto wonderful and I have no idea what I would have done without having someone to talk to about all of this - because family while lovely, does not "get it".   

One day at a time.  xo

 

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Dear Mitch,

I really understand - it is such a difficult transition when treatment stops and when 'life goes on'. I think that this time is not really talked about much. I know that for me when my frontline ended that is when all of the emotional/ psychological aspects of having this disease really began to sink in - I think that during treatment we are in some kind of fight or flight mode and then that ends and some kind of PTSD settles in - at least that was my experience. A lot of anxiety and processing - like what did I just go through?! It all happened so fast in my case - the diagnosis, the surgery, and the chemotherapy. I thought that I was okay and went back to work but then just couldn't handle it so I went on leave. I needed to process and to gently heal. We go through physical and emotional trauma and it really takes time to recover and most people who have not experienced this assume that we are better once treatment ends. I if you can, try to slow down and give yourself time to heal and to integrate everything that you went through. 
I am sending you best wishes and courage and strength! 

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@MitchOT there is nothing wrong with you. You are still in a phase to be sad about what happened to you and are internally crying out for help. You are in the coping phase Do you have someone to lean on? I use my husband heavily and my mother. Sometime out of nothing, I have talked about my cancer and started to cry. Then we both cried and I felt relieved that I am not alone. It gets better but it is an individual process that one has to go through grasping with the concept that your life has changed forever and maybe shorter. I actually took comfort in telling myself that all people die - some earlier and later - and that everybody will have to go through this process of grasping with the concept of death. It comforted me knowing that I am not the only one. It was not just a bad luck thing but that just all our timings of dealing with death is different.

You would be surprised how many people that you see do happy around you have significant worries that they have to live with. I, actually, went back to work and did not want to be reduced to the fact that I have cancer. I wanted my old life back. So, when I tell people now, I always wave it away because I don’t want to life the rest of my life only talking about cancer. Maybe you get to this point one day. But for sure, when other women talk about menopause symptoms and how bad they feel- I think wow what little problems. But zu also know it is not fair to always confront everybody with bad life could get. You and I were not worried about this before our diagnosis.
So, I hope 2026 will allow you to process more, think about death if you can, think about what is important to you, cry for all the things that you may miss. Then go and start living your life again. Big hug- I understand how you feel.

@MitchOT there is NOTHING wrong with you. Never think that. We all experience so much with this disease. Mental challenges. Physical challenges. Emotional challenges. These are natural feelings. I too have put on a lot of weight. Especially in my abdominal area and hips. My surgery scar is vertical and down my entire abdomen. I had 64 staples and a very long scar as a reminder. Going into full menopause does not help. So, I bought larger pants. 😊 We are survivors. That's what we should be proud of. 

I too have deep scar pain. I know how awful it can be. I have found massage helpful. Plus heating the area. Have you considered acupuncture as a possibility?

I agree it is tough when visibly you may look fine to others but under our clothes, under our skin and in our minds we are far from it.  Please continue to leverage this group. I can already see the support from other Teal Sisters. We are here for you. We understand. As well you may want to look into some of the emotional support groups Wellspring offers. Also if you haven't already speak to your medical team. See if there's an option to get connected with a therapist. It was an option for me out of PMH in Toronto and has been very helpful. 
I hope you will be able to enjoy your cruise. You have so much to offer those around you. Thinking of you. ❤️

#Supportandencouragement

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@brendalee confirming this message was posted. 

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Hi @brendalee I hope you get positive progress results from your scan at your appointment on Tuesday. I am like you in terms of when I review my scans. I don't do it until I'm in the waiting room that day for the appointment. It gets to sit in my healthcare app until then. We all manage it differently don't we as I know some who look at it right away. Thankfully we do what's best for us. Will be thinking of you. ❤️

#Supportandencouragement

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Hi @MitchOT I hope you felt the support from all the messages that were posted. I've actually gone back a few times to read everyone's comments. I appreciate so much the raw honesty everyone gave you. 

I had mentioned, if you had not looked into, please consider Wellspring as they have a number of in-person and virtual programs. Additionally, I would re remiss if I didn't also mention the additional resources Ovarian Cancer Canada (OCC) has available. They offer the monthly Teal Tea's which is a great way to connect in conversation with other Teal Sisters. In addition they offer Peer Support in a one-on-one setting with a trained OC Volunteer who has experienced ovarian cancer. See this link:

https://ovariancanada.org/resources/peer-support-programs

I hope you can feel the support out there. We are all thinking of you.🩵🩵

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Good morning to all of you, 

Back on solid ground, emailing on ship was sketchy, my apologies. 

DiamondGoddess, brendalee, Ibarr72, Tanja, EvaR, jbateman, LeslieA, and Alwayslearning…each of your responses were so well received. I cried after each response. Like a sponge, I seeped in all your words of encouragement and experiences and for the first time I felt like I was not alone. I am trying so hard to cope, and pretending all is normal, going to work, acting like i am not tired all the time, smiling and moving with the train of life…go, go, go..and in my mind I think, if I should get off this "train" and stop to rest, or to be truthful makes me feel like I am giving into this disease, and that I am weak, and have failed. I don't want to die, I don't want a recurrence, I don't want to acknowledge it.  I am at the point in my career where i must decide if i should retire. My retirement date is Feb.1st, 2026… and this is not how i envisioned the end would be like. And if i retired now, in my mind i think, "look she is retiring because she had cancer and will die".  (My mind speaks sooo loud )   It just gets to me at times…hence why I wrote to you all.  Funny …as i reread what I've written to you, It has come to mind, that i wrote to you on vacation  while i had gotten off that "go, go, go train", it was quiet, my mind and body was resting and that peace allowed me time to talk to you, reflect. Maybe the answer is i need more quiet time to allow myself to reflect more, heal what I don't see but feel deep in my broken soul.

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A Twin! Now that is awesome! 
But why did you say 20% is this the percentage the oncologist said the cancer may return?

what kink of cancer were diagnosed with and what stage? 
your test is tomorrow January 6…I will pray very hard for you. Mine is the next day on the January 7th!  So I completely get it not being able to sleep. 

I so don't want you to have another recurrence…please, please please. No

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Hello @MitchOT
I echo what others have said in support of your post.

One day and one week at a time.  

Journalling is very helpful and I agree with @Alwayslearning that Wellspring has many online classes and in-person classes that you can partake in that could help no matter which province you live in.  When the Chair yoga class here in Alberta was full, I was able to register for an online class out of Ontario that had space, so it worked out very well!

I am in the middle of Healing Journey Level 2 with Wellspring and it's very good, so I recommend that one and perhaps Digital Storytelling eventually.  If you like art, there are several classes and music therapy is another one if you like music.  OCC has peer-to-peer help, so you just need to reach out for that.

I've always been larger and heavier than most women and after I had my Son I had thyroid issues, so slowly started gaining weight over the last 24 years and after a couple of surgeries it also slowed my metabolism from the anesthesia so I'm now the heaviest I've ever been and just holding steady after chemo in 2023 and a recurrence of OC 2025 with more chemo (that didn't work), and radiation.  I have clear cell OC so it's a more rare version of this disease and it has responded well to radiation.  I think weight gain with this cancer is common, but not discussed very much, so it's a surprise to most.  Anything that messes with hormones has potential for weight fluctuations.
I wish you a positive outcome for Jan 7!  

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