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So very disappointed after 4 years NED! I pray you respond well to treatment and experience another long remission. My dr told me at diagnosis that while my cancer was treatable it wasn't curable and that I would have to deal with reoccurrences and more chemo. My mental health has never been the same. I am not handling any of this well. I am 16 months post front line and I feel like I am a ticking time bomb. While I don't have words of wisdom for you I just wanted to share that I understand exactly how you feel and that I am sharing your pain. 

Hi @NovaScotiagirl.  I can't begin to understand the emotional and physical strain of a recurrence however, I think that regardless of where we are in our OVC journey, the toll on our mental wellness cannot be underestimated. I'm still grappling with the concept of lifelong chronic illness and I guess perhaps the way I think about it, as trite as it may seem, is that some people have high blood pressure, while others have diabetes or colitis. Those are lifelong illnesses that come with their own issues and concerns. I don't pretend to imply any of them are equal in terms of impact however, I've tried to understand how these individuals are coping. Are there strategies they use that can help me? Don't get me wrong. I still have my up and down days however, I use it as a grounding tool.

I also have a therapist through PMH in Toronto that I can talk to. I'm sure this has been asked of you and forgive me if so however, do you have anyone you can talk to about your feelings and struggles? Someone on a professional level?

Hi @NovaScotiagirl. I understand. Truly I do. We go dark sometimes. It can be hard. Perhaps you haven't found the right way to have a discussion with someone. I used the word "therapist" however perhaps it's more peer support or something of that nature where you can discuss what you want, and the depth of what you want. I'm pretty sure you know the resources available via OCC however here's a link. I know they have 1:1 Peer Support. Maybe an option? Regardless, you will ultimately do what works best for you. I respect that 100%. I'm glad the Teal Ladies in this forum are here for you!!!

https://ovariancanada.org/resources/peer-support-programs

See if you can find another therapist that clicks with you.  I've been where you are in your head.  I tried three different people before I found the one who really 'gets' me.  It was during the pandemic so our first chat was on Zoom.  I didn't think it would work, but we were only a few minutes into the meeting when I realized she was the one I was looking for.  She guided me through the first recurrence in 2022 and my realization that I am now dealing with chronic ovarian cancer.  I asked her then if she would 'hold my hand' through the ups and downs that I knew I would have to face and she has been wonderful, including now with my second recurrence and chemo.  I hope you can find someone like my Heather.  

Of course, I know everyone's situation is different, so your needs and mine are undoubtedly different.  If there's any such thing as being at a 'good' age to have cancer, I was lucky enough to reach it.  I'm retired with a pension, so I don't have work responsibilities or financial stress.  My children are all independent with families of their own and are wonderful supports.  My husband can manage to cook, so we don't go hungry when I'm in the throes of the after affects of chemo 😆, and I have a circle of family and friends who care.

I don't like platitudes even though I know people say them because they don't know what else to say.  Some make me cringe more than others, like when someone says to me "You got this.", but  I was getting a routine massage just after I'd found out about the first recurrence. Treena, my massage therapist said, "All any of us have is the here and the now."  That simple statement helped me see that some people die without getting a chance to appreciate their day to day lives.  It feels in some ways that having cancer has been a gift ... a gift I'd happily give back, but I'm playing with the hand I've been dealt and finding joy wherever I can, thanks to Heather and to Treena.  Keep looking for your team members and good luck.

@NovaScotiagirl There is a group of us around Halifax that regularly get together for a craft night, backyard pizza party, pool party etc. We are there for each other and chat about everything from daily life to cancer treatments. I am sure we will have a get-together during the summer. We would love for you to attend!

Greetings from a fellow Teal Sister in Nova Scotia!

I wish I had something magical that I could say or do to ease your suffering.  I will, though, say that you are not alone.  I suspect that any of us on this forum understand what it's like to live with a chronic fear of recurrence--a fear that is realized for far too many. 

My family doctor recommended someone to me who's a Registered Social Worker--a position I hadn't considered.  (I live in rural Nova Scotia, so finding someone I didn't already know was challenging.) She turned out to be exactly what I needed--someone with a lot of empathy and a good sense of humor.  Like Alwayslearning, I'd nudge you to keep trying until you find a therapist you're comfortable with.  You don't have to go down a dark path with them unless you want to.

I'll also make my standard recommendation of self-compassion.  You're already practicing it a bit by acknowledging your own suffering.  That's not always easy to do.  It's ok to shed lots of tears; this is a terrible disease that we're dealing with.  At the same time, you may ultimately surprise yourself with your own strength. 

I can also relate to the challenges that being single presents.  I think it makes it extra important to rely on family and friends.  I sincerely hope that you get the support you need and deserve, and that your treatment goes as well as it can.  Please keep us posted; I'll be thinking of you.

Novascotiagirl,

There are many wise & supportive posts by our Teal Sisters in this thread. I want you to know that I share your grief and sadness; I am sure that we all do. This is the hardest challenge I have ever encountered and it has brought a tsunami of tears. It is hard to accept, given that I was in great health, newly retired, and looking forward to some travel adventures. And I can understand that it is even more difficult to accept a recurrence, after a period of good health. We understand and we support you. 

I also understand that opening up to a counsellor can make one feel more vulnerable, especially to those big emotions and scary thoughts. As others have said, finding a good fit with either some peer support or professional counselling can actually relieve the burden of carrying all this inside. For me, it was too much to bear and I obtained free counselling here in BC through the Cancer Agency. It has helped. 

If you don't feel ready for that, writing out your thoughts and feelings in a journal can help externalize the pain you feel. I joined an art therapy group online (no cost again) and that has also helped me come to terms with this awful affliction. Wellspring or Inspire Health are 2 amazing online programs that provide all kinds of free services, including 1-1 counselling, support groups, art therapy groups and health-related support. I utilize everything I can because I needed a variety of outlets for this pain. 

Sending you a virtual hug,

Leslie 

Hello @NovaScotiagirl Vicki
I agree with @LeslieA - I'm in several Wellspring classes that I do online and they are a huge help to me!  I do meditation; breath work; music therapy and art and it's SO nice to connect with others, even though it is online.
I'm single as well and it is challenging not having a partner to lean on for support.  Not sure if you have kids?  I do rely on my Son and my Mom to help me and will turn to my friends for encouraging words on the darker days.  

It's really important to have a few trusted people in your circle...I hope you have that :) 
Also there is a Teal Tea through OCC - there are 2 next week.  Teal Tea for everyone is May 27...maybe I'll see you online for that!

Ladies you are proving once again to be an amazing support system to each other. Thank you. I know everyone is going through their own challenges and yet you continue to show up for each other. That's what true warriors do!