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Hello all,

I was looking through some recent and past threads and noticed comments scattered across the discussions regarding how Teal Sisters "cope". The "coping" was sometimes related to a stage e.g., recently diagnosed or in treatment. Other times it was related to how to cope with the "noise" in our heads or "noise" created as a result of physical pain or frustration with navigating the medical system. Regardless of the root cause, I know we've all had to "cope" at some point during our individual journey's.

I'd love to gather input on your ways of "coping". It could be a resource you've used. It could be in the form of some type of outlet e.g., exercise. Your input could provide some ideas or insights to add to each of our toolboxes. Overall it's a way to normalize that we all have had to "cope" at some point and none of us are alone in that.  

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One of the things I've tried as a 'coping' mechanism is to give myself time to 'grieve'. While grief is often bereavement related, it can also be attributed to major life changes including health. Grief does not come in a linear format...it often comes in waves, which ebb and flow. When I feel I need to 'grieve' as it relates to my cancer diagnosis and all the challenges it has brought, I give myself space and permission.

My 'grieving' sometimes come in the form of having a 5 minute pity party for myself where I cry, or just allow myself to be angry. Sometimes I just need a day to be alone in my thoughts and I let my husband know and/or family if they are around. I need them to understand that I just need some time to process and they've always been supportive. If it's not possible or feasible to take time for myself I at least let others around me know that I'm having an 'off' day and seek forgiveness up front if I appear gruff. I don't make excuses or seek anyone else's permission however I do let them know that I'm not quite myself.  I have found that accepting and acknowledging how I'm feeling has helped release my tension and emotions. 

Friends and family in my circle of support often ask how they can help me. Allowing me the time and space to "grieve" is one of the areas they have helped and for that, I'm appreciative.

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I love this thread. I have certainly gone from struggling to cope to building some coping mechanisms over the last 10 months. 

In no particular order, here are some of my coping mechanisms.... 

Crying - sometimes I just have to cry and let it all out, otherwise it's just going to stay bottled up and it will take longer for me to let it go. This was today's coping mechanism of choice. 

Food - I am an emotional eater. This is something I have been working on with my dietitian. There are certain foods that I would gravitate towards when I need comforting. I have been trying to normalize these foods, and also trying to pick a different coping mechanism when I feel that way, lol. 

Movement/exercise - I was doing a Zumba class through the Gilda's Club of Toronto (they have recently ceased operations), but that movement once a week was a chance for me to have fun, move my body in a way that is safe and comfortable for me, and take my mind off of life for half an hour. I find other types of exercise helps too, unfortunately I have been struggling mentally to want to go for a walk, even though I know I feel good when I walk. 

Getting outside - I always feel happier and again it takes my mind off of everything when I go outside and see all our farm animals. Especially right now as we are at the start of calving season, there are cute baby calves to go see. 

Arts & Crafts - from knitting, quilting, to origami, and doodling, since I've been able to get my mojo back for wanting to do my hobbies, they have been a good way for me to cope with stress. Origami was a lifesaver for me for a month at one point. 

Talking - like crying, I find talking with or writing someone helps me to get the thoughts and feelings that are eating me off my mind. At this point, I am comfortable talking with almost anyone that will listen. 

Work - near the start of the year, work was another lifeline for me. I got out of the house, my mind was occupied, I felt productive and needed. The weekends were a big struggle, but going to work during the week got me through those months. 

As an overall summary, for myself, I find any activity that gives me a sense of accomplishment and/or keeps me distracted helps me cope. 

Finding community and making connections with others helps too, because then I know I'm not the only one going through this. 

Oh, one other thing, I'm not sure you would call this a coping mechanism, but controlling what I can. For me that has looked like a couple different things. One is setting reasonable expectations for appointments, even if that means having low or no expectations. Two, is putting more care into my skincare routine. My skin has changed since I've started my treatment, and I went and had a consultation with a local gp that does medical esthetics. She looked at my skin and gave me recommendations/a very simple routine to help my skin issues. That has been huge, and has helped me feel better mentally. 

@MissERP this is an excellent coping mechanism and one I definitely relate to. I am someone who has a high sense of need for control. Not necessarily of others but definitely as it relates to myself and my needs. When I was diagnosed there was so much in the 'unknown' space and my control was lost. As I entered each stage of my journey, I found ways that I could get control back. For example, recovering from my surgery I set targets on how far I would walk each day and began to monitor that. Having goals and a plan gave me back my control.  So thank you for the reminder of this as a great coping mechanism.

I also love that you put focus on you specifically relating to your skincare routine. That is has provided benefit from a mental health perspective is wonderful. Good for you!!!!!

#Healthandwellness

Hi @lbarr72 you've outlined some great coping mechanisms and I love how personal they are to you. I remember someone gave me a journal at the start of my journey, to record my daily thoughts etc. It had helped them immensley during their journey. I tried using it for a few weeks and I just found that it wasn't "my thing". I wasn't a journaler beforehand and so it felt foreign to me. Your comments helped reinforce that there are many coping mechanisms, and in some cases we share many of those with others however, finding ones that we can most relate to and/or work best for us is so key to this process.

I also appreciate your comment that "Many other people have to cope daily with chronic illness and pain. It's not unique to OC." I am one of those with chronic pain. I can however function through that pain. I remind myself each day that there are people far worse off than me. I'm still allowed to be mad or sad when my pain is causing me grief however, I don't ever discount the fact that I can function very well where that isn't necessarily the same for others.

I appreciate that I am traveling along this journey with the wise Teal Sisters in this forum. 💙

#Healthandwellness

I love many things you listed,@lbarr72. Your art journaling is an inspiration; you have shared some of your beautiful and touching entries with us. Creativity in any form is therapeutic. I am also an advocate for moving our bodies, in any way we can. It helps with mood, a faster recovery from chemo, and rebuilds the muscle mass we probably lost during treatment. It can also be a social experience, which helped me tremendously. 
Survivorship can sometimes feel lonely, but spending time with friends has certainly helped me, as it has you. I especially like that you mentioned we are travelling together and to hold hands. I find that very comforting. 

Hi @MissERP thank you so much for sharing these great coping mechanism and for your honesty when sharing. I love how varied they are as they give you a great toolkit to dip into based on the mood or situation. I agree whole heartedly with your final comment on finding community and connections. I know that the folks in OVd have helped 'calm' the noise in my mind a times when I just need to vent or be heard by someone else who "gets it". 

I was sorry to hear about the abrupt closing of Gilda's club. I believe there were a few others Teal Sisters who have used Zumba. Perhaps if they are reading this thread they can share if they have any online recommendations for you.

#Healthandwellness

So many great coping ideas @MissERP. I also try to incorporate many of the ideas you highlighted, such as creative projects, getting outside, dance (I do Zumba too), eating well most of the time, socializing and planning fun activities. I need things to look forward to. 
Since the cancer, I have been more engaged in socializing and staying busy (when I felt well enough), because I don't want to waste time anymore! It is so precious! 

I also resonate with the idea of grieving related to all the changes we have experienced: the changes in our body, our lifestyle, our abilities, our relationships with others, our sense of safety regarding feeling well or not. The list goes on. Like you, @Alwayslearning, my grief comes and goes, visiting me at odd moments sometimes. I let it be, as it is justified. It often fades away when I return to what I was doing. I try to be compassionate to myself in those sorrowful moments. The little girl in me weeps and I hold her gently. 

This is a great topic!! These are all great coping suggestions!
For myself, I have a few that I return to over the last 7.5 years.

1. Writing/journalling- I can write down whatever I want. It isn't pretty or grammatically correct because I burn the paper after. I release it.
2. Allowing for some time to be upset- what that looks like depends on what I am feeling. I could cry, scream into a pillow, listen to angry music, punching a punching bag, throwing a ball hard against the fence, whatever I need to release my emotion.
3. A really good therapist!! This came late into my cancer travels and I am so glad that it did. She has helped me so much 
4. Having a really good friend to just sit with. We don't need to talk but just knowing that I am physically not alone helps (my husband is around but at times there is nothing like the presence of a best friend)
5. I am not afraid to say "I need a day" and spend it in bed.

@MamaJacks okay I'm not going to lie...the first thing that popped out from your post was "7.5 years". You are clearly a survivor and that timeframe provides so much hope to many. 🥰

I love your writing idea in that you 'burn the paper and release it'. That's kinda cool! I also am 100% aligned with you on the therapist. I was paired with someone from PMH and she has been my safety net for the past few years. It's a space where I can be 100% honest and vulnerable and not have to explain myself or make excuses. We met (virtually) every few months during my initial year and now have extended that to every 4-6 months on the caveat that if I am in need, she is there for me. 

Also love the idea of having a good friend to set with. For me that's my sister-in-law (hubby's sister). She's non judgmental. Will listen. Will seek to understand. Will call me on my 'bullcrap" and will just 'be there' when I need it. I feel very blessed to have her in my life.

Thank you so much for sharing. I wish you another 7.5 years (at least!!)!

#Healthandwellness

Great thoughts MamaJacks! In my prior career as a clinical counsellor, I recognized that our society promotes positivity over the many other "uncomfortable" emotions: Anger, sadness, devastation, hurt, and deep sorrow. All emotions are valid and are part of the human experience. I am glad that you found a healthy outlet for those powerful emotions.

I worked with a cancer counsellor for a while and it was helpful, but after a while I needed a counsellor willing to help me with ways to navigate the challenges in my partner relationship, so I found another who could do that. Having a safe person to talk about all the broad brushstrokes of my life has been super helpful. 

I think the most important thing I've done during this journey - coming up on 5 years next Feb (they gave me less than 1 year!) is to have a positive mindset that my body can heal and to keep busy with just living my life.  Another thing that has helped me is learning all I can about my disease and alternative therapies.  I'm a 'need to know' type of patient (new treatments, how my body is doing) but I don't take too seriously an oncologist's word for my prognosis.  They've been wrong so many times with me, I just take it with a grain of salt and get on with my healing journey.  I don't fear or worry much anymore.  The times I experience anxiety are waiting for CT scan results and the times I was fighting for my life in hospital with two complete bowel obstructions.  There is a lot of fight in me and a very strong will to live.  Sometimes, I don't know if it's luck or sheer determination or all the 'kooky' stuff I've tried, but I believe now, deep down, that I'm meant to be here and it is not my time to go.  I am a strong believer in the power of the mind to affect all the cells in the body and I also believe in the power of a healthy gut to affect all the cells in the body.  These ideas are finally being researched seriously, which is great. I do what I can to keep my mind calm and positive and my gut full of beneficial bacteria.  I talk to other cancer patients on Face Book and here, and I go to fun things with other women and go for walks in nature and I do dance fit and swimming every week.  I see my grandkids as much as I can.  They need me so I have to stick around!  My husband hasn't coped well with my illness, sadly. He is more on the periphery of my life now. I determined that I need to live my life, with or without his presence.  So I've travelled with my kids/grandkids and he's stayed home.  The old me would have been disappointed.  The new me just gets on with it and lets him be him.  I refuse to sit around waiting to die...    So that's my take on it. Hope it is encouraging.  I know I won't live forever, but boy am I going to fight for every new day!

@BellaDonna1959 you are another inspiration for other Teal Sisters. I love that you are coming up on five years and in complete defiance of whatever 'they' said. Your positive mindset has clearly worked and is a great addition as a coping mechanism. You clearly ARE a fighter considering the challenges you have faced in your journey. I also am not sure I'd categorize some of your journey as "kooky stuff". I think you did the research, understood your needs and made decisions that were with your own best interest in mind. There's nothing "kooky" about that and clearly something you are doing is working!!!!!! You are also another reminder that 'movement' in some form or another is very good for the body and soul. Thank you so much for sharing.

I am sorry however to hear of the impact this has had on the relationship with your husband. It's unfortunate that not everyone can understand the choices we make as we forge our paths. You clearly however, have so much to live for with your kids/grandkids and bless you for that 'just keep going' attitude. Thank you for inspiring others 💙

#Supportandencouragement #Healthandwellness

I enjoyed your post very much@BellaDonna1959 and a good reminder about living life fearlessly! The trap of "what if" (cancer returns, my markers go up, my scan reveals progression) can take over our lives. It sounds as though you have a "what is" mindset, which is what is before you right now: living your life with optimism and enjoyment. Doing the things you want to do. I sometimes say to myself "be here now" when I start projecting into the what if future. Trying to practice more mindfulness in my day-to-day experience. 
I also agree that our docs do their best with their prognostics but it's a very inexact science thankfully! They get it wrong sometimes because we are all unique and I am glad! 😌