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Legacy work
Good Morning Ladies,
As most of you are aware, I have been working diligently on my Legacy projects for many months. I have completed many and others continue to work on. I find them very fulfilling and gratifying when completed. It brings me great joy to know that perhaps it will help the loved one it is for with their own grief and healing when it is time. That they will never doubt what being in my life meant to me.
In saying all that, there comes a time in being prepared that one has to share with someone else all of what one has done. I did so yesterday with my girlfriend. Hubby is not ready to hear nor absorb any of it and remains in a state of denial that one day I won't be here. I can talk about it until I am blue in the face and the outcome would remain the same. That is okay and so I am meeting him where he is at for now. Yesterday I had my girlfriend come and I gave her a book that pretty much mirrors what I wrote out for my hubby. That way she will be able to assist him or prompt him on things when I am not here. She is also my point person for contacting "others" about my health update or death when it is time. It will take a lot off the family worrying about who to contact and knowing it is being taken care of. It was an emotionally charged visit for me as we discussed things and I showed her where everything is. All the Legacy gifts, important papers, etc. I will be sharing the same with my Mom next time she comes down. That way she will feel included and between the two of them I know my wishes will be executed as I wish. I wanted to share with you all that the emotional part of it is normal too. We all don't want to face that we have an end (for those of us that have been given grave prognosis) and the other part is that we have no idea when it may occur. In my case, it may come very quickly or slowly. It may look like I am in a constant sleep mode being kept comfortable from pain etc until I pass OR I may enter Hospice with issues like pain control and then slowly decline. No one knows what will happen. For me it is important to be aware of what can happen and what it may look like. That way I can speak with my family about it and prepare them the best I can. After that it is back to living every day for what it is and looking at every day as a new day. Daily I know changes are happening inside me and that is hard for many. They can't see it and I look normal. Unless I am uncomfortable with pain and bloating which they can see or having difficulty eating, it usually goes unnoticed. It usually means I am alone with my thoughts and my continual preparing for the inevitable. I continue to find projects to work on or they find me. I take it as a sign that I am not done yet here and not being "called to go".
The free style journaling I am doing takes its toll on me some days and others it does not. All depends on the day and where my mind is at the time. I am thankful that I have started everyone's journal and find tremendous peace while writing and getting my thoughts out for them. I never know how I will begin or what I want to say until I begin writing. Having multiple journals on the go at once also allows me to pick and choose which ones I write in. The work is very healing even though I have had some break downs while writing. How can one not? How do you convey and make it known so they don't forget how deeply you love them and what they have meant to you in your life. It is soul searching work and my heart can feel quite heavy at times when I am emotional but I struggle through it and find a way to come out the other end with no tears and some joy. Despite it being difficult emotionally and mentally, I would encourage anyone to do this. All I did was pick up some nice looking books at the dollar store and that is what I am writing in. Then one day, I began writing and haven't stopped yet. I don't write daily or at a special time only when it seems right for me at the time. So for those of you contemplating it, I thought I would share how it has been for me in hopes it may give you that little nudge to begin yours if you are choosing to do the same. Sometimes in life it is all we need, the encouragement or permission to just……..BEGIN!!!!💖