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When is enough, enough?

Hello all.....can anyone answer the question above?
It is difficult enough to accept one's own diagnosis and prognosis. Fair enough? Let alone deal with the myriad of symptoms that pop up when we least expect them and do our best to deal with them and with the medical intervention at the time. Through in some dashes of the emotional Rollercoaster roles we go on and voila.....a beautiful cocktail we do our very best to navigate through bravely. seems Life peers down and says "jey down there.......ready for a bit Okay well it's coming anyways.....and just as you are about to get a handle on what Life throws.......Death and Grief decide they want in too.... You are probably wondering what I am talking about and why for the past few days you have seen me posting at this hour. Well here goes and no I am not in a medicated haze.
Like many of you, meeting Laura on here was wonderful and I was fortunate to have been able to 'click' with her. She had invited me to see her in Hospice. I went for 2 wks in a row around the times when I had my Palliative Group at Hospice. The woman I saw when I went in the first time, looked nothing like the pictures she had sent me a couple of wks before. It was difficult to be there but I wanted to do it, am thankful I did and most of all because she had wanted me to. Even though she was in a comfortable drug induced rest, I stayed a little bit and spoke to her brother. It was lovely and I mentioned I would pop on the following week. The next week, she was not doing well and the family had minutes before been informed she didn't have long left. I didn't get to see her that day (which is fine) but it was important to me to follow through with it as she may have heard me while I was there the week before. It was difficult to watch the family and not for a few mins have a quick flash of what this would look like if I was in Laura's place. First, family definitely going through a rough time but Hospice does such an excellent job of making you feel welcome and supported it warmed my heart and I am sure it did hers as well. Having had my own Grandmother pass there, what they do and say to you at the end is utterly amazing and they do not rush you off. It's where I want to be when the time comes to move from home.
I have a friend with brain cancer with children younger than mine by at least 10 years who haven't had there Mom in home for over a year now due to her cancer. She is now in a long term care home and is younger than myself as well. The hubby does it all, runs his own business, does whatever he can with the girls and grieves all along the way when he is bravely supporting his wife. Some of the scenarios are familiar in the way I feel my own husband will handle things as they worsen and into my own passing. Hard not to think about at times.
When I joined my Palliative group, I bonded with a lady in my group very well. It was like we have known each other forever and could have been those inseparable kids in school type.  Her and I have been very open about death and dying and our journeys along the way which include legacy work to planning our funerals and sharing with group about it.  For the past few wks she has been too unwell to attend nor to answer texts...I was worried and concerned about what this could mean. Today she texted me to confirm she knows Death is coming. I said words to support her and to help her pass into this next phase doing the things she wants including being comfortable and pain-free to her end of days. I hope to see her again but don't if I will get the chance. It is going to be difficult to lose another friend to cancer and watch all that it entails while trying not to think about what that will look like for my own family.
Last week when I went for my Renogram I ran into my recently widowed friend who was there to get a breast/lymph node biopsy performed after being informed lady fall she met her 10 yrs and no longer had to take any post medication. I can't imagine what she I s going through with hearing this news, going through it as she plans for a Memorial Service for her late husband this May with family from overseas.
This is what I mean about when is enough  enough already? Yes, we are all part of a fabric and some weaves are short and other long bit I question why some have to endure much more than others. I hear the universe and know there is a take away from this but haven't totally figured it out yet.  Is it to watch, learn and continue to put grief out there so it may make is easier on my family? To make notes for them in how to continue on with my own passing? Or something totally different I haven't processed yet?
I read all of your stories and posts and what amazing women you all are. The lengths you will go to and continue on is amazing and very inspiring for many. By sharing your experiences you are inadvertently helping so many others. Some days are much more difficult than others and I support each of you as I walk beside you in the journeys you post.
Grief must be a gift that you share with those around you and find solace in as the patient picking up crumbs to leave on a trail for your own family. At any opportunity I can slide some of Death and dying into a conversation at home, my hope is to normalize it and for them to understand I am doing so many things for all of them they won't have to try to worry, piece together and figure out what it is exactly that I want. And...just maybe make the Grief part a little less daunting and scary area for them. 
It comes as at an emotional cost as I shed my tears through some of it. I believe it's so I can be brave and strong for them in the end when I can. Hopefully I will have some clear days to have some interactions with them that will be positive and the Legacy work I leave behind cherished for always. 
I do understand now as I write this how elderly people must feel as they carry on living and family members of varying ages pass on as well as their friends but yet they remain grounded on this earth. They must get lonely at times especially if they don't meet new people along the way. I hope I continue yo meet more, have those connections that make a passing difficult to see to enrich my tome on this earth and pass along to others this information as a positive and it not be all doom/gloom and wonder 'what's the point'.  There are a lot of points to carry on, only you in your own specific journey know what that is and how to do of all I think it's a message to keep being "YOU" around family and friends because it's what everyone needs.
So go on out tomorrow and find a beauty in something special and if tears are shed some days that's okay too. Lord knows you can lean forward and let it drip into the earth that is terribly dry right now, it will thank you.😉
So stay YOU and plan whatever lengths of time you feel suitable you can manage without getting too far ahead of your self. You may be surprised at how it picks you up. Talk the walk beside the rest of us and we will do the same. Here in the now, the not to distant future and the crossing to the death side supporting choices you make to go comfortably and loved by many. ❤️🤗🤗
So maybe enough is enough but not as a negative but to give us the positive side of some of that for thought...💕


  • Petra

    It seemed to me in reading your post that you ended up answering your own question in a very eloquent way. 

    In the way that you described, we all keep showing up for our lives, whatever stage of life we are in, we keep getting up each morning and facing what that day brings, and the particular way we each have of doing that adds something unique to this world. 

    Doing death in slow motion (or at least, being very aware of dying while still being alive) is an experience that not everybody gets to have. Probably an experience that many would not want to have! But you don't get a choice. And it's an interesting situation to be in. So much time for reflection, so much time to consider what it all means, so much opportunity to feel all the feelings and to be aware of them. 

    In reading you describe the passing or soon-to-be passing of comrades on your journey, I felt into how it might feel to be in your situation, going on without them, and how alone you might sometimes feel, despite being surrounded by family. Our people love us, and support us, but they're not the ones going through it. They can't go with us. We're on our own. During the times that fear has come up for me related to my own dying, it has been mostly fear of having to do it alone. 

    Thank you for posting about this. I hope others will comment as well, and that those who wish can freely share their own experiences related to the idea of death and dying. It's the elephant in the room in a discussion board such as this, and seems to me the ideal place for companionship as we all face the big unknown.

    Much love to you and kudos for your honesty and courage.
  • Dear @Strongwoman, enough is enough when you stop caring and you are so very far from that. In every post that you write your concern, your caring, your love for others is the major theme. It overrides everything else: the pain, the fear, the aloneness we all experience along the way as we move through our lives with ovarian cancer. Yes, it is hard and we, fated to be among those who are given - willingly or not - the opportunity to contemplate death, move between days of finding strength and joy in learning what it means to be alive and days of grieving for what we have learned. It is hard. But  know that what you have offered to us has meaning and purpose. 
    Thank you for that. 

  • Strongwoman
    Thank you @Petra @HoldingOn @babs272
    I have been doing a lot of self reflecting lately and it has helped. 
    On Friday, I treated myself to a manicure (fake nails...never had them before) has been 10 yrs since I had one and a pedicure....I find attempting to bend over and get to my feet difficult and sometimes causes my incision to spasm.
    Worth every penny I spent!

    More seriously, I listened to a podcast last week that 2 young girls have put together on Anticipatory Grief.  It is about their own losses and how to deal with it.  I sent it to my 23 year old this morning and it has opened up some conversations.  I want to share it with you all here in case any of you are in the same boat and it will help in your own situations.
    Here is the link:
  • Petra
    Thanks @Strongwoman, I'll check it out.
  • Strongwoman
    Hello all.  I was speaking with my Program Coordinator for Hospice Palliative Group and they made mention of a resource that I wanted to share.  
    This would apply to anyone who is a caregiver but would help with young children/adults as well.  I am passing it along to all of you so that you can check it out yourself.
    Support For Caregivers - Ontario Caregiver Organization
  • Strongwoman
    Here is the section for Young caregivers specifically
    Young Caregivers - Young Caregivers Connect