Good Morning All!
I am reading "The Book of Two Ways" by Jodi Picoult. It is an interesting read and goes back and forth between her being an Egyptologist and a death doula. I am going to post a part from her book that is in relation to the death doula part. I think some of it is fitting for us going through treatment, recurrence and palliative care. I hope you find it interesting or worth pondering. It is also going to be written here exactly from the book so I apologize that there is not use of pronouns in it.
"Things you shouldn't do when someone is dying:
Don't talk about when your aunt or your grandmother or dog died. This isn't about you, and the sick person shouldn't have to comfort you; it should be the other way around. There are concentric circles of grief: the patient is at the center, the next layer is the caregiver, then their kids, then close friends, and so on. Figure out what circle you're in. If you are looking into the concentric circles, you give comfort. If you're looking out, you receive it.
Don't say things that aren't true: You're going to beat this cancer! It's all about a positive outlook! You look stronger! You aren't fooling anyone.
Don't overact your happiness. It's okay to be sad with someone who is dying. They've invited you close at a very tender time, and that's a moment of grace you can share.
Don't think you have to discuss the illness. Sometimes, a sick person needs a break. And if you ask up front if he wants to talk about how he feels--or doesn't--you're giving him control at a time when he doesn't have a lot of choices.
Don't be afraid of the silence. It's okay to say nothing.
Don't forget: No one knows what to say to someone who's dying. Everyone is afraid of saying the wrong thing. It's more important to be there than to be right."