Fears for the worst
HI, I am hoping to get some support on how to stay positive. I have a consult date on May 16 and I am having some hard days where I find myself fearing the worst outcomes.
I worry about every little pain I feel that the cancer has spread. My gyno shared that my CT scan and ultrasounds were positive in that, although my tumour is large, grapefruit size, there was no other spread noted in those tests. I am trying to hold on to that hope, but my fears always lead me to worry about spread. It is so hard to wait thru this time prior to surgery which still will be a number of weeks away. How did you all find you coped? Anything help to stay sane and find some enjoyment for parts of those early days??
I worry about every little pain I feel that the cancer has spread. My gyno shared that my CT scan and ultrasounds were positive in that, although my tumour is large, grapefruit size, there was no other spread noted in those tests. I am trying to hold on to that hope, but my fears always lead me to worry about spread. It is so hard to wait thru this time prior to surgery which still will be a number of weeks away. How did you all find you coped? Anything help to stay sane and find some enjoyment for parts of those early days??
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Meditation - I find once a day, usually at the same time, I get to a comfortable place and meditate for at least 15 minutes. For me, it helps clear my head of negative thoughts.
Mindfulness - Somewhat similar to meditation. Helps keep your focus on the here and now and stop projecting out beyond that. Lots of info on the internet on the subject.
Hobbies that are easy to pick up and do at a whim....one of my friends bought a very complicated and huge puzzle, commandeered the dining room table so it was always set up and ready for her. Lots of other hobbies do the same. Or maybe time to start a new hobby...something that interests you but you haven't tried before.
Stay connected to the survivor stories here or on the OCC website. Read a few about survival to give you some hope and help with perspective.
When you put your mind to it you'll find lots of things you can do that will shift your focus, even temporarily. And, of course, continue to access OVdialogue and reach out with whatever needs you have. We won't let you be alone in this gal. And I can guarantee that while it may seem terrifying and overwhelming right now, you will find you are far stronger and more resilient than you'd ever expect.
I am sure these feelings are common and certainly not helpful at this point, but guess I need to sort this through.
I recommend to most survivors that if those 'dark' thoughts start to take over your days, then reach out for some professional help. Most cancer centres have a social work department and the support of a social worker is usually free. I did when I recurred and found myself feeling like I'd failed myself and my family among other things. Julia, my social worker, and I have continued our relationship for five years now and I credit her support for bringing out the best in my own resilience and strength and help with keeping balance in my perspective.
But as for not feeling the tumour, I didn't either. My primary tumour was on my right ovary, the size of a very large grapefruit too. I would have expected it to have been easily detected, but when I thought long and hard about it, my own GP with whom I had annual check ups and who automatically palpitated that area didn't feel it either. I have no answer for why but many of our Sisters express the same issue. Regardless, don't waste precious time beating yourself up about why or trying to place blame. It serves no purpose but to increase anxiety. Keep focus on the future and getting well.
I have just tried to connect with wellwood to get a mentor and look forward to that. Just reaching out for some words of wisdom and comfort at this time in the journey!
It is wonderful news that you have a surgery date. Anxiety can get the best of us even when we think we have it under control. I feel that the "not knowing" is the most difficult part and adds to our anxieties. Your husband sounds like he is a great support for you as well and hold on to that. It is okay to go through any emotions you are feeling as well. Talking to a mentor at Wellwood will help you as well. As Fearless has mentioned, hobbies and staying busy will help as well. Think about things that you may need after surgery and it may help to keep you busy as well. Journaling can also help at times like this. Of course, we are all here for you anytime you want to reach out.
My greatest fear for my own surgery was not knowing if I would end up with an ostomy or not, thankfully I did not.
Hope some of this helps!!!